A Year to Remember: A Reflection of My First Year in College Ministry

"Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ."

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer

A year ago, on 13 May 2018, I stood in the living room of Episcopal Campus Ministry House with my graduation cap and gown in hand when the front door closed behind me and everyone was gone. After 48 hours of whirlwind activity that is a graduation, my life as an undergraduate student was over and I was standing in a new place with my room covered in boxes, living with college students whom I was only acquainted. And all I could do was look around and think, "now what?"

4 years, 8 semesters, and 2 degrees later met me with theology, ministry theory, biblical exegetical practice, and the finer points of historical analysis. Yet, I felt completely unprepared when it came time to put such skills into practice. I could tell you what kind of insurance a church should have, how the financial matters should be done, gauging one's congregation when they react to your sermon, and responsible spiritual stewarding. However, being a pastoral and secular presence to college students when I'm a newly graduate college student myself? That was a whole different ball game.

When I was preparing for graduating and taking on this position I swore to myself that I would be Belgium before the German Army invaded when it came to house disputes. I quickly realized this was a pipe dream when 20 minutes after I moved in one of my new housemates told me how another resident was an absolute jerk and not to be trusted. I laugh as I write this but that was my "welcome to college ministry, ain't it grand?" moment.

A few months ago, I was advised to write this post because it could prove useful for Pastoral Ministry students and I have to make a confession now: even as I write this I'm still having the reaction of "S@#$, what do I tell them?!" But, I also realize that by sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly of ministry, future students can learn that while they can fantasize ministry in the classroom it can be both beautiful and awful. What you, my students, can gain is how the calling of ministry can and will change your life.

When I took classes on Pastoral Leadership, Preaching, and other Pastoral Ministry classes at Northwest Christian University; it was done with a couple of assumptions- that the students would embark in full-time Pastoral positions and that when dealing with difficult people, the pastor can retreat to the safety of home and regroup before coming back to the job with fresh eyes and a refreshed mind. If any of you students are blessed with both, then it is absolutely true! However, this was not the case for me. One of the first things I learned when I entered the ministry field is that full-time ministry positions are quickly becoming fewer and far between. The days of full-time pastors and parsonages are becoming relics of that past across the denomination spectrum. In my first year, I have only come across one pastor who is in such a position and the future of that situation is uncertain. Most pastors I know, with the exception of my rector who is full-time, are part-time and many of them have a second or even third "tentmaking" (Acts 18:3-4) occupations in order to provide for their families.

As for the latter assumption, most of you probably won't know otherwise and those of you who ever find yourself in my shoes where your place of ministry is also your residence, listen up. You will deal with difficult people. If you live with them, you'll deal with them often. I know this because I've been there this year. In earlier years, if you didn't like someone you could just stay away from them or avoid their company. I'll tell you right now, those days are over. You won't be able to avoid them, what's more, you're no longer free to lash out at them. The difficult ones, as well as the ones you like, are in your spiritual care and you must act accordingly. Even though you're at home, you are on the clock just as you would in the church. Our Savior said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also (Matthew 5:38-40 NRSV)". Alas, this is one that my boss has to work with me on a regular basis. It's one I struggle with the most. You will have to find refuge as you can whether it's watching a movie in your room with the door closed or going out for a meal or ice cream where you can decompress and pray.

That being said, there are aspects of college ministry that is such a pleasure. One pleasure I take is ECM's Thursday Dinner and Worship Night every week during the academic year. I am in charge of the meal which is something I enjoy immensely. I get to try different recipes and cuisines and make notes so I can provide a variety of meals that are pleasing to the palates of the students. Last Thursday, I tried my hand at Breakfast for Dinner and it was a success. Now I know to add it to next year's menu. Dinner is also a time to get to know my residents better and ask how their lives are

ECM Christmas Party 2018

going. It makes me feel closer to them and lets me know what to pray for where they're concerned. Many stories and laughs have been shared over ECM's supper table that I will cherish all my life. My other duty which is distinctive to the Episcopal denomination of the ministry is that I'm ECM's one woman Altar Guild band. I prepare ECM's mobile altar which includes pressing the linen, decorating the altar according to the liturgical season, preparing the wafer and wine for consecration, and taking it all down after the service. I also get to polish all the brass and silver during the academic breaks, whittle the candles, and clean the altar. Glamorous, right? But I find it a lot of fun. I also enjoy getting to know the students who come through our side ministry that is the Student Food Pantry. I get to hear their stories, ask them how their terms are treating them, and show them Christ's message through action rather than mere words. All while checking their ID cards and entering the data. Am I crazy? Probably, but I find the simplicity great and for an Introvert, it works out nicely.

Another benefit is that as the resident Assistant Chaplain, I get to be a regular presence for our resident students. One thing I try to convey to all of them is that I am always there if they need something. Sometimes, all they need is someone to get the master key to let them into their rooms after they locked themselves out. Other times, I get to be mother, psychologist, ring referee, judge, and spiritual guide all in one 4'7" package. I've had a knock on my door at two o'clock in the morning because they need someone to talk to and pray with them. Even if it means a pot of coffee in the morning, I consider such times a blessing and sacred. And such times should be sacred to you as well. When we call ourselves "God's servants", we jolly well better be willing to have a sleepless night here and there.

Now, we are going to get what I consider the "nitty gritty" of the blog post. There are a few lessons I wish to impart to anyone who reads this post and are preparing for a life in ministry. I will share them, not because I've mastered them, but because I haven't and I suspect I'll be working at them my entire career.

First of all, find yourself a good mentor(s). I have been greatly blessed in that regard. Your mentor is there to help you learn how to serve. They'll also serve as your "inconvenient truth". There are times where Fr. Doug and I have to discuss things that are difficult or that I'd much rather avoid because I

didn't want to hear what he has to say. It's human, but it's also the reason why such topics need to be discussed. You can't grow if you are unteachable or think yourself above constructive criticism. There will be situations that upon reflection, you wish you had handled differently than you did. I know I have and done so often. It is always helpful to discuss such matters with Fr. Doug because I know that he will speak truthfully but also out of love and respect for me. Your mentor will also be there for you in darker times in your life and ministry. Again, I have been very lucky in this. Poor Fr. Doug has had to wash many a tear stain from his clerical shirts because what I needed that day was a shoulder to cry on. He has also celebrated my successes with me. Many of my favorite memories of this year took place over a lunch meeting where we laughed about the absurdities of ministry over good food and a glass of something or stocking the Pantry while exchanging banter and boy do we banter. One morning during stocking, while we were throwing quips, I heard one of our new volunteers ask our intern if Fr. Doug and I were always like that to which the intern laughed and confirmed we were. I turned to the volunteer and told her that if she thought we were funny there, she should see us when we don't have an audience. If you can, find a mentor that shares your humor. It'll make the bad days better and make great days amazing. Remember that even though there is a difference in position tiers, especially if like me your mentor is also your superior, you are also a partnership. You are both servants of God's children so try to be of one mind when it comes to situations. You should support the other even if you don't agree with a decision or a mind frame. They deserve your respect and support. This one is difficult even for me, but also be honest about your thoughts and feelings. If you don't then a wedge can develop easily between you which can lead to a breakdown in communication and relationship. If such a wedge does happen, it needs to be acknowledged and steps need to be taken to dislodge it. If an apology is warranted, then it needs to be offered with sincerity. That is the first step of healing when such a wedge occurs and is necessary. There have been times when I've had to eat crow and in the end was grateful for it because when the conflict went away, my relationship with my mentor matured.

Secondly, one of the most important things any ministry worker, clergy member, missionary, etc. can do for themselves is SELF CARE. This one item tends to be the most neglected factor in ministry life and I am no exception. I didn't master it as an undergrad and I still have to work on it as a ministry worker. Self-care comes in the form or eating regularly, getting proper rest, exercising, and finding activities that foster some "you" time. Self-care is perhaps the biggest lesson I've had to learn this year and I'm not always the top student. The first thing you should do is assign a particular day of the week as your "Sabbath" or day of rest outside of Sunday. Every member of the clergy is encouraged to do this and usually assign Monday as their Sabbath and I'm no exception. The second thing to do is to honor that Sabbath. There are some occasions where a meeting or a situation has to happen on that day and if that happens then do so with God's blessing. But after it is done, go back to honoring your day of rest. This is important because it not only helps you to take care of yourself but it also encourages your mentor and colleagues in Christ to honor theirs. My go to's are making a nice pot of loose leaf tea and a treat while reading for pleasure or going for a walk or other things that help me to recharge my batteries. There are also days where if I'm going through a rough time or stressing about something where I'll take some time to check out. If I'm stressed or upset about something, I'll often put in a movie while I enjoy a recently discovered hobby like coloring in an adult coloring book or taking life out on the poor Orcs and Goblins of Lord of the Rings Online. This may sound silly but it really helps me problem solve whatever is bothering me. Not to mention, Fr. Doug has had to laughingly remind me throttling people who irritate me isn't part of my job description as the Assistant Chaplain. 

The other part of self-care can be really difficult but absolutely necessary. Most pastors, priests, ministry workers, chaplains, and their life partners that I have spoken to have told me the same thing: ministry will tear you apart inside and out. Some statistics for you. ***

84% of pastors feel "on call" 24/7. 

90% of pastors report the ministry was completely different than what they thought it would be like before they entered the ministry.

53% of pastors report that the seminary did not prepare them for the ministry.

75% of pastors report significant stress-related crisis at least once in their ministry.

80% of pastors and 84% of their spouses have felt unqualified and discouraged in the role of pastors at least one or more times in their ministry.

35% of pastors battle depression or fear of inadequacy.

70% of pastors do not have someone they consider to be a close friend.

27% of pastors report not having anyone to turn to for help in a crisis situation.

84% of pastors desire to have close fellowship with someone they can trust and confide with.

If these statistics give you concern, then you're reading them right. Many pastors I have spoken to didn't have issues with depression or anxiety until after they began their ministries along with other health problems. I don't share this to scare you but to give you a head's up. What is more depressing than these statistics is the fact that even in 2019, there is a stigma to depression and mental health issues among pastors and ministry workers. Many Christians see such things as a sign of a sinful life, a lack of faith, or weakness. If any of my readers are of this view, I would ask that you pray for your spiritual leaders instead of putting them on a rocking pedestal. We servants of God are human and need support. For you ministry students, if you find yourself needing mental health care, I have a message that I pray you'll take to heart. Listen to the advice of your doctors, especially if they feel you need counseling or the help of prescription medications. And if they do prescribe them, I'm going to give you some loving advice and I will put it in big letters so the folks in the back can read it: TAKE THE BLOODY PILLS, GO TO COUNSELING, AND DON'T GIVE A TINKER'S DAMN WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT IT! 

And in the spirit of disclosure, this is a lesson I'm still learning myself. My doctor put me on Prozac in early February. I have had no less than five panick attacks in the past few months which are to the point that I'm making an appointment to discuss counseling and Xanax with said doctor. So, just know that many of us will be in the same boat as you. I am also learning the importance of having a good support network. Even as a student, it's good to find support with your fellow ministry students so you can support each other through assignments and trying to find God's voice as you prepare for what He called you to do. This will give you tools to find such help when you're in the field and I wish I hadn't used my introversion as an excuse to not do so as a student. When you're in the field, find others that are in a similar ministry and position as you. Meet each other for coffee, make a bible and prayer group, have a group chat on Facebook. That way if there is an urgent need for prayer or advice or to share something hilarious and absurd, your brothers and sisters in ministry are there. Last month, Fr. Doug and I had dinner with a friend who works with homeless youth and what struck me most was while that friend and I are in completely different services, we had similar struggles and similar experiences. That evening was a holy time of empathy, love, and connection. These connections are important because if you are single or married to someone outside the field, you will often feel isolated. This is especially important because one group of people you won't be able to turn to are the people who are in your spiritual care. If this is painfully obvious, I beg your pardon, but if your professors haven't made that clear, it's best that you learn it before you begin service. Your spiritual patients can pour their pains, fears, and struggles to you but you won't be able to reciprocate it. More importantly, remember this: you can't be there for your spiritual patients if you're not taking care of yourself. Water will never be drawn from an empty well.

Thirdly, when those in ministry refer to ministry workers as "God's servants", it isn't a metaphor, ladies and gents. If you want to be in Pastoral Ministry, you have to be willing to serve.  In classes, it's easy to romanticize ministry. Ministry is glamorous because you get to preach God's word, reach out to the lost and seeking, and bring Christ to those you serve. Don't get me wrong, that's very true. However, the ministry is dirty and gritty work. No matter how easy the job of a Pastor looks, it's not an easy life. Not to mention you'll have to do some less glamorous tasks. Sometimes being in ministry means you have to be willing to roll up your sleeves and wash walls. Every local  Pastor can tell you of the times they've cleaned toilets, weeded the church gardens, swept and mopped floors, or gone to a congregant's house to wash dishes or clean. A month into my own ministry I posted photos of a bedroom I had to take care of a bedroom after a graduated resident moved out. I had to remove at least 50 nails, thumbtacks, etc. I had to spackle, prime, and paint walls. I also posted a photo of myself in my dew rag and grubbies with paint all over my face. One comment I got from a ministry student was the question, "Why are you painting walls? Aren't you the Assistant Chaplain?" Why yes, yes I am! I don't care what title is attached to my name or yours. It's just a description of how you are serving God's children. It by no means make manual labor menial or beneath you. If anything, it's part of the multi-faceted description of your Christian duty. If you feel that such tasks are distasteful or demeaning, then I would humbly suggest you take some more time discerning your call. There's more to ministry than just the pulpit.

These are things that I have learned in what has been a rollercoaster, wonderful, heartbreaking first year in college ministry. Even though there have been some iron sharpening iron moments, I've seen so much growth and have great hopes for the future. Here are a few things that I have as a goal for my second year:

Improve my self-care with counseling and taking care of my mental health needs.

Improve how I interact with others, especially difficult people.

Be less of a perfectionist and see myself as the student that I am by giving myself needed grace.

Take to heart a quote by John Newman: "I remember two things very clearly: I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior.”

Improve my spiritual life with regular prayer and scripture study.

Improve my communication skills.

Trust others to have my back and to do their part in tasks.

Make a good social network with other ministry workers and meet with them regularly.

Be more willing to ask for help instead of being prideful.

Mentor other students.

Ministry is one of the most difficult fields in the professional world. There will be times where you struggle, where there will be questions you can't answer, social media posts that will ruffle feathers, days where you will feel tapped out. You deal with difficulties, heartbreak, and despair. You'll question a thousand times if you misheard your calling. But there are so many things that will make those days worth the struggle. Someone who comes in when you give a sermon and it was exactly what God needed them to hear. Going into storms know that you have people who love you and are praying for you. People who want to celebrate your praise reports with you. And if you are in need of support, find someone you trust and be willing to be vulnerable. If anything, you can always come to me.

c-ya

ke7ejx.

*** Statistics provided by The Fuller Institute, George Barna, Lifeway, Schaeffer Institute of Leadership Development, and Pastoral Care Inc.

I Came to Feed and Found Myself Fed

Feeling desperate and forlorn, you finally surrender to the Light-

Declaring ignorance and begging for intervention with your plight.

Supreme Universal Energy grants you forgiveness for the asking, 

And bestows grace upon you for faith everlasting.

You eventually learn the lessons set forth when you were born, 

And gratefully accept the opportunity to begin to transform.

And though you, at times, waiver between hope and feelings of dejection, 

Your soul is uplifted as God assures you of your perfection.

You endured many obstacles having ventured on your own, 

But absolute love has finally brought you home.

~ "Finding Your Way Home", Kim Hilliker

When I woke up early on April 03, 2019, four days before I was due to preach at a FAME Zion Church in Portland and got a text from their pastor telling me that I would be preaching on the topic "Rest" with Matthew 11:28. I looked up at the ceiling and asked God if He was bored or just in a funny mood. I also felt scared spitless for a few reasons; a) I was being asked to preach on a theme that has long been a stumbling block in my walk with my Lord b) I have only ever preached short homiletic sermons (8-15 minutes) and with this congregation, I was expected to give a full-blown sermon (20-30 minutes) and c) I was asked by a few ministry friends if the people at FAME Zion was aware that I am white, an Anglican and a woman to boot.

This was going to be completely new territory for me in all areas. I had never set foot in an African Methodist Episcopal Zion church, knew next to nothing about them except a few things I googled and was disclosed by my friend whose husband is the pastor, and for someone fresh out of Bible college and highly introverted, it was a terrifying opportunity. But, I had to push my nerves aside and get to work. Despite all my studying, contextualizing, praying, and advice seeking, I kept hitting brick walls and writer's block. Upon reflection, I see that I was far too busy trying to create the perfect sermon instead of really reading what Jesus Christ was saying and how it can apply to my life and the lives of the people who would be hearing it. I was also too caught up in my introversion and thinking that while the pastor and his wife like me that it would be a miracle if their congregation accepted me. One of the best pieces of advice I received was from a mentor who said, "If I can teach Muslim men and women in Oregon and Laos, you can teach the faithful at the AME Zion house of God!!" This note of encouragement I took on the train to Portland with me... and an unfinished sermon.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. I quickly finished the final bit of my sermon and carefully dressed in my alb and cincture with a prayer that I wouldn't foul the business up and disgrace God, my friend and her husband, my church, my ministry, as well as myself.

During the final minutes before the sermon, I printed off my sermon, met the receptionist and the two female reverends I'd be sitting on the stage with who prayed over me, and quickly reviewed my notes that I didn't get a chance to practice. Before I knew it, we walked onto the stage and the service began. What I witnessed next I still remember vividly and I think I will always remember the scene. A small group of humble saints singing their hearts in raw, passionate, and joy-filled voices. They clapped their hands and praised God with a fervent desire that I had never seen before. I have worshiped in many different houses of worship in many denominations in the three decades of my life. While I still feel spiritually fed by the hymns, Gregorian chants, and prayers of my church, I found that the praises I was hearing also were feeding a part of me I didn't know I was missing. I didn't know the lyrics but soon my hands were joining in the rhythm. As I gazed out on the worshipers I could feel their love of Christ flowing from them and it brought tears to my eyes. I bowed my head and asked God for His forgiveness for dismissing this congregation before they could have a chance to dismiss me. I realized that despite my best efforts, I wasn't immune to prejudices. I came in ready to accept what I thought would be the kind of dismissal I have received from persons of color that I have received in the past only to receive looks and words of welcome. I had walls drawn around my heart that crumbled like Jericho while I worshipped with the congregation.

Soon, it was time for me to give the sermon that came with me. Anyone who has preached once or many times will tell you that sermons take a great deal of energy. You spend a great deal of time and care in the preparation to make sure the context is understood and properly studied before coming up with a message that preaches Christ's message to others. When you give the sermon, that also takes a great deal of energy. You have to speak the words that God wants you to say, read the congregation and react accordingly, and keep your voice clear with good articulation. Even the short homilies I gave at my parish left me desiring a nap when I was finished. The FAME Zion congregation lent me their energy and gave me the ease to preach from my heart. As I spoke, I felt a burst of energy with every "Amen", "Yes Lord", "Praise God" that rang as I spoke. I could hear passion filling my voice and before I knew it, I ended my sermon in prayer. I was then asked by the reverends to join them at the altar and listened to them consecrate the bread and cups before I went with them to the people where I was invited to hand the cups of grape juice to the people who kneeled in front of me. I had never passed Communion before and it was so touching because I felt like I was part of the body of Christ.

I had the privilege to attend the evening worship the congregation participated in with another Portland church before having supper with them in their fellowship hall. I got to know individuals better and knew I'd be going back to Eugene with a new perspective.

Due to circumstances, my visit to Portland was extended by a week. I got to spend real time with my friend and we had many wonderful discussions on faith, life's struggles, and God's presence. I also got to listen to stories and thoughts of different members of the church. Towards the end of the week, the circumstances in Portland and at home hit me all at once and I broke down in tears wondering if I had made a mistake going into ministry. My friend comforted me and prayed with me before calling one of the reverends asking her to talk to me. That reverend and I spoke for three-quarters of an hour. She told me of her own struggles in ministry, her own road of discernment which helped me to see I wasn't alone. She also told me straight up that she sees my gifts and that God has me where He wants me and while neither of us knows what He will do with me in the future, that He gave me gifts for His purpose. I came to this congregation in hope that I would feed them spiritually and here they were feeding me! The next day after church, that learned lady of God presented me with a gift saying I'd understand why she was giving it to me when I saw it. Later on, I opened the bag and pulled out a beautiful black and gold framed quote from the book of Jeremiah in the Old Testament:

"For I know the plans I have for you" 

Declares the Lord

"Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

Plans to give you hope and a future"

~Jeremiah 29:11

And she was right, I did understand why she gave it to me. Not only did it sum up her words from the night before, but I also confessed to being a Jeremiah from Jeremiah, Chapter 1. God was calling me but I had all the excuses in the world for why I wasn't qualified for His commission. Her gift touched me because she gave me the message I needed from God at a time I needed most.

On that same day, I went to my second Sunday at FAME Zion and joined the congregation in singing and worshipping with passion and my heart was full with joy and love for the people I have been spending those few days with. Throughout the service and after, I had member after member telling me that they expect me to come back sometime soon and that they consider me a member of their church family. They embraced me, prayed for me, and thanked me for being with them. 

The next morning I packed my bags and got on the train to Eugene. I was glad to be home in Eugene and it continues to be my home where my work and my life is. However, I will always remember those wonderful people with a tender smile and I look forward to reuniting with them in the future. I came to love a people with whom I thought I shared little in common save for faith in Christ. They showed me how wrong I was and were willing to bring a struggling preacher into their own. They say that home is where the heart is. I can truly say that I left a piece of my heart back at First African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church.

c-ya.

ke7ejx. 

"For You": Finding Grace in Life's Storms

Grace and peace to you. Or in the Greek- χάρις ὑμῖν καὶ εἰρήνη. I say this because I hope you will remember the love and grace that God gives us through his son, Jesus Christ. I also hope that your Thanksgivings were full of family, joy, love, and of course full of gratitude for the blessings you enjoy.

I love this time of year. Next week begins the season of Advent which is one of my favorite parts of the liturgical calendar because we prepare for the arrival of Jesus Christ and our much beloved Christmas story… not to mention it’s a time of year where I can indulge in large amounts of good food without the guilt. We also start to look at the beginning of the next year. We think of what we hope will happen in 2019, plans we have made, trips we might take, and other wonderful things. We also look over our shoulders at the things that have happened in 2018. We think of our favorite events, new friendships, new job opportunities and all manner of good things that have happened to us. It is also a time for self-reflection, reassessing our beliefs, our walk as Christians, and our relationship with our Creator. 

Such introspection can also create a time of deep repentance where we reflect on our own weaknesses, shortcomings, and temptations. We are taking a personal inventory concerning our walks as followers of Christ. Are we acting as we should? Are we reaching out to whom we should? Are we living out our faith as we should? These are serious yet appropriate questions to be asking any time of year but even more so this time of year. However, there is also a great risk, especially if we find ourselves wanting. It is then when we tend to be at our most vulnerable and Satan loves that, and he will wait for the perfect moment to strike. He will fill our heads with reminders of our sins and vices to remind us that we are unworthy. He pulls us into the darkness so he can extinguish God’s light within us by inspiring us to feel depression, anger, and even in severe cases- self-loathing.

This self-loathing can stem from so many things. Through the years, there have been so many Christian men and women who have given to despair out of shame for feeling weak during the storms of life or what St. John of the Cross described as “The Dark Night of the Soul”. The Dark Night of the Soul is described as “a period of spiritual desolation in which all sense of consolation is removed”. In many Christian circles, feelings of melancholia are viewed as something to be avoided. It’s a manifestation of ingratitude, weakness, lack of faith, and ego. The criticism is even harsher for those who have been called to serve God as pastors, priests, and other Christian leaders. Brothers and Sisters in Christ, I would ask you to consider the story of the prophet Elijah who did feel despair and grief. We all know this man as a mighty prophet who never tasted the bitter-sweet nectar of death. He began and ended a three-year drought through prayer, was fed by ravens, kept a mother and her child from death by instructing her to use a little of her last bit of grain to feed him. Yet despite all these amazing events, Elijah still felt darkness, he still experienced storms in his life. When he had to flee from the court of Jezebel, he tasted bitter failure. He felt sorrow and was even suicidal. 1 Kings 19 shares this suicidal ideation with us: “But he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness, and came and sat down under a solitary broom tree. He asked that he might die: “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors. (1 Kings 19:4)”’ Clearly, God didn’t grant his servant’s prayer and sent angels to minister to Elijah. However, this was one of many times Elijah felt the attack of the enemy.

It is during such an attack that God shows His most tender mercies. The word grace is often interpreted in a variety of ways, but I would like to boil it down two simple words- mercy and love. As Ephesians 2: 4-5 says: But God who is rich in mercy, out of great love with which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ-by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come he might show immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

If anyone knew what grace was, it was the man who wrote these beautiful words. They are the words of someone we once knew as Saul of Tarsus. The man who rounded up men, women, and children who believed in Christ and dragged them back to Jerusalem for a summary or kangaroo trial and immediate execution. This was the man who even at his darkest moment experienced the love and mercy of God. When he was on his way to Damascus, grace found him. He saw the Jesus of Nazareth who he until that moment had despised. Jesus asked him the simple question- “Saul, Saul why do you persecute me?” before blinding him. But He didn’t abandon Saul, He made sure that Saul could find his way to where he needed to go. As we know, this man would later become Paul and he eventually became a light to many while preaching of the grace that found him on the road to Damascus. In his first letter to Timothy, he wrote: “I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because he judged me faithful and appointed me to his service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and a man of violence. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus (1 Timothy 1: 12-14)”.

A blasphemer, a persecutor, a man of violence, the worst of all sinners. These are the words Paul used to describe Saul-his former self. If you think about it, this sort of thing goes straight to the modus operandi of Christ. He would reach out to those who society had determined were the worst of them.
He reached out to Zacchaeus, a chief tax collector of great wealth and short stature. Who climbed up a tree, not only because he wouldn’t be able to see Jesus from the back of the crowd, but because he felt unworthy. He wasn’t an accepted member of society and his heart was full of all the reasons he wasn’t worthy to be in the presence of the Messiah. However, Jesus looked up and saw him hiding in the branches and asked him to get out of that tree, so Jesus could go to Zacchaeus’ house and dine with him. That moment of grace changed Zacchaeus and he lived a completely different life because of it.

He reached out to a woman who had to draw her water in the heat of day because her village rejected her as an outcast. She lived a sinful life, she was even living with a man who wasn’t her husband. But Jesus knew all of that, he even gently brought up her sexual immorality and didn’t condemn. He didn’t condone her past actions, but he embraced her where she was and offered her something better.

Grace is just that. Being met where we are and being loved. Jesus didn’t reach out his hand to people when they were at their best. He loved them when they were at their worst. Grace doesn’t come from works, as Paul wrote to the parish of Ephesus. It comes from the love of God who so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son. John 3:16 is a passage most Christians are familiar with, it’s usually the first piece of scripture we memorize but its message has depth. John speaks to the depth of God’s love and the extension of His grace: “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life. Indeed, God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” God loves us so much, he sent his only son, who was without fault, to die for us. Jesus wasn’t sent to condemn the world, but to save it when it is at its worst.

During this Autumn season, some of you might be where Saul, Zacchaeus, and the Samaritan woman were. You might be sitting in this room right now being reminded of what is lacking in you. I am often there myself. During the 2017 Lenten season, I was at my lowest and felt as disconnected from God as I could get. I felt that despair and self-loathing that many of us experience at some point in our lives. My Damascus road ended with a simple and beautiful moment of grace. When I went to the Easter mass that spring, I felt filthy and unworthy because I was listening to the voice of the enemy. In my darkness, our Savior reached out to me through my rector, Fr. Bingham. As I made my way to the altar during Communion, I mouthed to Fr. Bingham, asking if I should even take Communion. He gave me a look before pulling the wafer out of its box. He then gave it me and gave me the blessing- "The Body of Christ, the bread of heaven for you" For you. He put a lot of emphasis on those two words. Then he placed the wafer in my hand and told me to eat it. It was a moment that took a few seconds, but I walked away from that Communion feeling loved, beautiful, and forgiven. It changed me forever.

Before I had the pleasure of speaking to you, we all joined as a body of Christ and partook of the Holy Supper. Some of you might be on your Damascus road right now. Some of you might be struggling with something dark in your life. You might have walked in here today wondering why you came when there is despair in your life. I ask you, I beg you, to remember the reason why we take Communion. It is the body of Christ broken for you. It is the blood of Christ shed for you. It is the bread and wine of heaven for you. It is the celebration of the love and tender mercy that God feels and gives to you. Repentance isn’t just a time of fasting and grief, it is a celebration of the love and mercy that is manifested in Christ Jesus. God loved us so much that He gave up His only begotten son and that through Him we experience love and grace.

Let us pray:  Father God, you know our hearts. No secrets are hidden from you. You know our joys, our fears, our sorrows. When the storms of life reach our shores and darkness threatens to overcome us, anchor us to you. Reach into the deep and pull us into your grace and love. We depend wholly on you, O Lord. We love you. Please be with those of us who are hurting or maybe feeling distant from you. Please remind us of your tender mercies and the great love you have for us. Help us as your family be there for each other in times of joy and times of grief. Never let us forget that each of us are one of your beloved children. For all things, we praise your name. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen.

c-ya

ke7ejx.

Papa Can You Hear Me?

Do you ever have that dream where you're trying to yell or scream at someone to get their attention because they or you were in danger? Your mouth is forming the words but they came out as a whisper or a hoarse cry? No matter how much air you put into your lungs, it doesn't get above a soft voice and the target doesn't hear and usually walks away...

I've had such dreams many times and the worse part is it also seems to happen to me in reality. Only, the person I am trying to project my cry to is the one person I was taught that I should rely on, that I can trust, that knows all the desires and secrets of my heart. I cry out, beg, plead, and supplicate into a silent darkness and that cry seems to go unheard and unanswered and I can't help but wonder why. All my life, I have read the Psalms of David, the story of Job, the desperate prayer of Hannah, and so many other instances in the Bible where the created proffered cries from the darkness for their Creator to deliver them from trial or to grant their deepest desire or need. Even Paul received an answer to his supplication, even though the reply was not in his favor (2 Corinthians 12:7-10). However, I've been praying for months to no avail and not for the first time in my life, I am wondering if God can hear me or if He was listening in the first place.

It's not that I'm flirting with Atheism or that I'm going to proclaim there is no God. But what do you do in the face of indifference? What do you do when you are slammed with one calamity and heartbreak after another?

I know people are fond of quoting The Princess Bride when Wesley says to Buttercup "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something..." As a Stoic, there is an appeal to accepting what is and moving along. It was my coping mechanism for years until even I couldn't handle it. Humans were not designed to stand chronic crisis and emotional pain.

Even C.S. Lewis knew that. In his book The Screwtape Letters, the fictional daemon Screwtape wrote letters to his nephew, a junior "tempter" by the name of Wormwood. In one letter, Screwtape spoke on the subject of perpetual human suffering and the effects of enduring such phenomenon:

"You see, it is so hard for these creatures to persevere. The routine of adversity, the quiet despair (hardly felt as pain) of ever overcoming the chronic temptations with which we have again and again defeated them, the drabness which we create in their lives and the inarticulate resentment with which we teach them to respond to it- all this provides admirable opportunities of wearing out a soul by attrition." 

~The Screwtape Letters, pg. 155

Attrition is the action or process of gradually reducing the strength or effectiveness of someone or something through sustained attack or pressure. Erosion. Just like a crumbling rock on the edge of the sea or the bank of a river, that thins with every glacier melt in the spring, I have felt my strength drain with perpetual and relentless disappointment, adversity, and heartbreak. I've always prided myself on my determination to pull myself up by my bootstraps and carry on, but the past year especially it become so hard and now it feels impossible. As I've written before, this isn't my first brush with the "Dark Night of the Soul" but this one has been the hardest. Perhaps I never fully recovered from the last one. It was dovetailed by so many small difficulties. My graduation was a triumph but it was a triumph that was achieved by the skin of my teeth. Since then I've been screened for three different cancers, endured painful lab tests, and have been feverishly trying to get a job. While I felt some discouragement, I was still reasonably well in spirit. 

In August, I was invited to present my "Disability in the Church" presentation at a local church. This was both an honor and something that excited me. If the presentation were a success, it could lead to invitations elsewhere and give me opportunities to discuss a topic that was so near and dear to me. I got to spend 10 lovely days with my Dad in Medford where we got to spend real time together, something we hadn't done since Christmas. When I came home, I was feeling a little under the weather but also refreshed, hopeful, and happy. I was ready to prepare my presentation and I found out I had been nominated to be voted for a committee in the Episcopal Diocese of Oregon. If I won the vote, I would be able to serve my church on a Diocese level and try to make a difference. Then I found out I had bronchitis which explained why I had such a bad cough since the beginning of September. A week later, I ended up the hospital and found out that I had developed pneumonia. I was put in a brief quarantine with high fever but tried to keep my good humor. When my fever broke a few days later, I felt hopeful that I would be recovered by the coming weekend when I would make my presentation. I even felt well enough to wash my bedding and clothing. The next day, I walked into my doctor's appointment optimistically thinking I'd be assured I was finally on the mend. Instead, I found out that I was to be tested for pertussis or Whooping Cough. I was put back into quarantine until the results were in and found out two days later that it was positive. I had to contact the inviting church to inform them of my situation and asked for a postponement, only to find out that they could only cancel because of the way their adult forums were designed. A few minutes later, it was brought to my attention that given the long recovery before me that it was not a good time for me to take on the demands of a Diocese board position. Seeing the wisdom in this, I withdrew my acceptance of the nomination. For the first time in a handful of months, I felt completely defeated and could only pray that the next week would be better. The following weekend proved to be anything but... on Saturday I was informed that my beloved adopted grandfather passed away a week previously and before I could call him and try to foster reconciliation. It was a hard blow and broke my heart. Just as I was trying to breathe, only 48 hours later, I lost a most beloved friend and support and it broke me. Even today, I found out there was a third loss- a professor that I had for so many classes the past four years. 

I have had times in my life where I had a high concentration of bad news and adversity. They were hard but I had always managed to keep my head above water. This time, however, wave upon wave came crashing on my head until I sank to the bottom where I've been since. I'm stuck in the overwhelming current of constant trial and this time, I don't care if I never resurface. I'm tired of feeling broken, defeated, and helpless. I'm tired of struggling against perpetual obstacles and cruxes only to achieve little. When you have quite a few people share with you that when they are tempted to wallow in self-pity they think of me and realize someone has it worse than they do, it speaks volumes to me just how painful my life is. When people use you as the measuring stick when it comes to their own sufferings, that's a clue to just how messed up your life is.

I'm at a point in my life where I can't cope anymore.  While I go through the motions, life has no value or interest for me. Every day, at least once, I curl up in the fetal position pressing my chest as I feel the physical pain in my heart and I shed bitter tears. I force myself to eat once per day otherwise I wouldn't eat at all because I have no appetite. I sleep little or I stare at the ceiling all night until it's time to get up. I go to bed each night with a prayer that I won't wake up, that the pain will end. But like so many other prayers, God does not answer. I came to the awful realization that God has completely abandoned me and that He doesn't care.

This is an alarming thing to realize especially given how called I felt to Ministry. I've preached the word of God to others, I try to minister and be a Christ-like influence to the people I live with and anyone who comes to ECM. I'm even trying to join a religious order and I can't even say with confidence that I am a child of God, that He loves me, and that He is in all of this. If anything, it feels like I'm in the clutches of the Devil and no one is coming to save me. Out of the depths, I cry out to God but no one hears. He doesn't seem to hear...

c-ya.

ke7ejx.

Celebrating Mother

"She said yes for tomorrow, yes to the sorrow 

Yes to the Almighty because she believed. 

She said yes to be holy, yes to give fully; 

Yes to the honor she would one day receive."  

~Andrew T. Miller, "The Birth of Christ"

The Annunciation Sandro Botticelli

On the fifteenth of August, many Christians celebrate the feast of the Assumption of the Virgin Mary. Tradition declares that upon her death, her soul and her earthly body were received into heaven similar to Elijah from the Old Testament. It's a time of reverent remembrance and honor for Mary. It's also a time of celebration for my parish who took on her blessed name. 

As Protestants, many of us shy away from the idea of honoring the Blessed Mother and dismiss the idea as idol worship or pre-Reformation superstition. However, I can't help but wonder if we are missing the boat here. Even scripture indicates that Mary was extraordinary and her faith, courage, and obedience are legendary. 

In Luke's Gospel, we are introduced to what is known as "The Annunciation (or announcement) of Christ" where the Angel Gabriel comes before a young girl named Mary. Now, over the centuries due to artistic license and imagination, many tend to think of angels as the cute infant cherubs that one sees in a lot of Renaissance art and in different palaces. If this is what you imagine, please allow me your eyes. Biblically speaking, the appearance of an angel was neither adorable nor a sign of safety. Throughout the Old Testament, Angels appeared in flame with sword in hand and a close encounter with said celestial being could be fatal. C.S. Lewis once wrote that "I believe no angel ever appears in Scripture without exciting terror; they always have to begin by saying "Fear not" (March 4, 1953 letter)". I know that if an Angel were to pop into my living room right now I would probably do three things: 1) scream 3) faint and the before I faint 2) do something that for the sake of modesty I will not express. Point being, I'd be racked with terror and wondering if I was about to come face-to-face with my Maker. Mary who would have known this must have been paralyzed with terror. Seeing her fear, Gabriel soothes her saying, " Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favor with God (Luke 1:30 NRSV)".  

Then he proceeds to tell her that she will become pregnant and carry a son. Naturally, Mary was both puzzled and horrified. She makes it clear when she asks Gabriel how that can happen when she herself has never been with a man. I feel for her there because I know that if I came home as a teenager and told my parents I was knocked up and that it was done without intercourse my parents would scoff, denounce me as a liar, and demand to know who the father is not to mention any other consequence that would arise. For Mary, to be pregnant as a maid would have had far worse consequences than being grounded or treated with scorn by her parents. In Hellenistic Judea, if Mary came out as being pregnant and God hadn't provided her with a righteous man of God, Joseph could have handed her over to authorities who would have dragged her into the town square where Mary would have been stoned to death for dishonoring Joseph. Even worse, Mary would have had to experience the trauma of knowing that the first stone would have been thrown by her betrothed. Joseph had even made the decision to "divorce her quietly as to not expose her to public disgrace (Matt 1:19 NRSV)". However, despite the life-threatening dangers, this 14-16-year-old girl said yes to the danger, the sorrows, and heartbreaks that would come. She said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word (Luke 1:38 NRSV)". 

To me, the faith and obedience shown in those few verses is breathtaking. She had to endure the trauma of childbirth in a stable, not a hospital, had to endure the pains of rejection from Jesus, raising a son who would eventually be sacrificed, and even stood at the cross as her precious son breathed his last breath. She may have been a "supporting character" but her influence ran deep. Jesus' first public miracle occurred at a wedding in Cana (John 2) because Mary asked him to replace the wine that had been depleted. Jesus obeyed though with some protest and turned many jugs of water into the finest wine. This speaks volumes to me of how much he respected and loved his mother. 

This past Wednesday on August 15th, I went to the morning mass and listened to an amazing sermon given by my rector. At one point, he slipped up saying this was a time to celebrate Mother when he meant Mary. However, like many Freudian slips, I think there was a great deal of truth in what Fr. Bingham originally said. This is indeed a time to celebrate Mother. Because Mother is a title of honor, virtue, and one of the greatest callings that can come from God. I know this because anytime I look at an image or statue of the Blessed Virgin, I see the face of my own mother. I wasn't conceived through Immaculate Conception, but my mother carried me for months, went through the agony of bringing me into this world, and then raised me to adulthood. I was her first and with shame, I confess that I don't always honor her as I should, as she deserves. My mother is no less holy to me than she who carried our Savior into this world. God willing, she will not have to witness my death, but she has witnessed the pains I experience through failure, illnesses, and other heartbreaks in life. She has seen my smiles as well as my tears. She said yes to carrying another life and that is amazing. Even as an adult, she influences me. At a recent job interview, I was asked about my work model. In answer, I spoke of my mother and her work ethic. How she has worked at the same company for over 20 years and made herself indispensable through hard work and reliability. I concluded by saying I wanted my work model to echo hers. 

One of my favorite prayers in the Book of Common Prayer is one that I read every evening as I complete my evening devotions. Some know it as Mary's Canticle, others as the Magnificat. It is taken from Luke 1:46-55. It is a song of praise given by Mary after her visit with her cousin Elizabeth who is also carrying a miracle: 

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord.

My spirit rejoices in God, my Savior.

For He has looked with favor on His lowly servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed.

He has mercy on those who fear Him in every generation.

He has shown the strength of His arm

And has scattered the proud in their conceit.

He has cast down the mighty from their thrones

And has lifted up the lowly.

He has filled the hungry with good things

And the rich He has sent away empty.

He has come to the help of His servant Israel

For He has remembered His promise of mercy.

The promise He made to our fathers,

To Abraham, and His children forever.

My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord

My spirit rejoices in God, my Savior.

For He has looked with favor on His lowly servant.

From this day all generations will call me blessed.

The Almighty has done great things for me

And Holy is His Name. 

Perhaps this is due to my Catholic background but I really do believe that Mary should be remembered and honored. She is important to our story as a mother of Christ but also a mother to future generations. I realize that the term "Marian Devotion" is a buzzword that puts many Protestants on edge but I argue that honoring her and remembering the role she plays is a far cry from worshipping her. I don't actively pray to her but I find comfort in praying the rosary especially when I'm in excruciating pain. I carry my rosary and other prayer beads with me and it brings comfort to feel the cool beads and metal between my fingers. It's almost like laying my head in my mother's lap when life is so hard. Because she is a mother to me, in fact, she's a mother to all who proclaim faith in her Son. In Fr. Bingham's sermon, he spoke of her experience standing at the foot of the Cross and Jesus making arrangements for her even on the edge of death. We all have heard of the "Beloved Disciple", the individual who stayed steady and faithful. The individual to whom Jesus gestured to saying to Mary, "Woman, here is your son (John 19:26 NRSV)". Then he spoke to the individual saying, "Here is your mother (John 19:27 NRSV)". Fr. Bingham discussed that while there are theories concerning the identity of the individual, one theory is that the individual isn't one of the Disciples or even a 1st-century bystander. The Beloved Disciple and child of the Blessed Mother is us. When he said that, I had goosebumps and the hairs on my neck stood up. The Beloved Disciple is you, me, and all others who rest on Christ's breast and take in his mother. Mary is our mother and is full of tenderness, love, compassion for all of God's children. 

Let us celebrate Mary, the Blessed Virgin, the Mother of God. Let us celebrate Mother. 

ke7ejx. 

Matthew 26- Not What I Want But What You Want

Eugene Masonic Cemetery 

If I had to break down one of the hardest principles of faith to a handful of words it’s this: “Not what I want but what you want (verse 39)” or in other contemporary translations, “Not my will but your will be done”.

It’s so hard, isn’t it? The ability to go, “okay, Lord. I don’t want to do it, I’m not going to enjoy doing it, but I know it’s what you want so I’m going to do it”. I don’t know about you, but I’m the sort of person who only feels comfortable and relaxed if I’m the one holding the reins in my own life and situations. The idea of handing over the control to someone else, including God, is among the hardest things for me to do.

Yet, this is exactly what our Savior did. It is no accident that he went to the Garden of Gethsemane which translates as “olive press”. When pressing olives for their oil, the olives would be put in an olive press, where the olive would be crushed into a paste and spread across discs before reentering the press to be crushed again, thus surrendering its oil. In this case, Jesus was the olive.

Matthew 26 began with Jesus’ memorial service- he was anointed with an expensive ointment that was usually reserved for anointing a body before it is buried. He broke bread with his closest friends in Passover while using the bread and wine to illustrate a new covenant between God and mankind. “Take, eat” was His command as he broke the unleavened bread, “This is my body”. He then gave thanks and took the cup of wine. “Drink from it” was his second command, “This is my blood of the covenant which is poured out for man for the forgiveness for sins”. It might interest you to know that the Greek word for thanks is εὐχαριστία or Eucharist. That is why some churches, including my own, refer to Communion as the Eucharist. When we take the bread and the wine, we are doing this in remembrance, in memorial of what would soon be the broken and bloody sacrifice of Christ for our sins.

Jesus knew that He was going to die and that it wasn’t going to be a pretty or peaceful death. As He walked with his disciples to the edge of the garden, He became agitated and filled with deep sorrow. He threw himself to the ground as He reached for His father in an abyss of deep emotional, spiritual, and even physical agony. God was putting Him into a press to begin the process of yielding our salvation. In fervent prayer, Jesus asked to be spared what would have been a terrifying process. The first time He prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; yet not what I want but what you want” and the second time He prayed, “My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done”. We are not talking about a whimsical prayer where we ask for deliverance from an exam or even a snow day so we can sleep in, but a prayer for mercy and reprieve from a future of excruciating pain and a terrible death. And this wasn’t just anyone praying, it was God’s own son, who God anointed in the River Jordan and God didn’t answer His prayer.

In his essay, The Efficiency of Prayer, C.S. Lewis pointed out that” There are, no doubt, passages in the New Testament which may seem at first sight to promise an invariable granting of our prayers. But that cannot be what they really mean. For in the very heart of the story we meet a glaring instance to the contrary. In Gethsemane the holiest of all petitioners prayed three times that a certain cup might pass from Him. It did not. After that the idea that prayer is recommended to us as a sort of infallible gimmick may be dismissed.”

While God’s refusal to Jesus’ prayer is extraordinary, Jesus’ acceptance and submission was even more so. When He said, “yet not what I want, but what you want”, He was telling His Father that He would fulfill God’s will in absolute obedience. How many of us could pull off that kind of submission? How many of us could raise our hand and say, “Okay Lord, I will do exactly as you say and exactly how you want it!”?

Following this perfect act of submission, Jesus roused his sleeping friends because it was time to meet what awaited Him. Then a second profound and uncanny coincidence occurred. John 18:1 tells us that when Jesus walked to the second part of the garden where Judas and the soldiers were waiting for him, that Jesus went through the Valley of Kidron.

This is significant for a couple of reasons. First, according to the Talmud, the blood of the animals slaughtered in the Temple, and other refuse (probably the impurities from the city), were to be carried through a sewer into the lower Kidron and thence sold as manure to gardeners (2 Chronicles 29-31). Secondly, it was a place of death, a cemetery. Many tombs were located along the walls and paths of Kidron. As He walked, Jesus would have seen those graves. He would have been thinking of the role He was about to play. The Passover lamb, whose blood would be shed and sacrificed for the sinful excrement of man. He was walking over the last efficacious blood of sacrifices and seeing the filth of humanity on his way to become the final blood sacrifice and to remove the filth of humanity.

This Sunday begins Holy Week, starting with Palm Sunday which commemorates Jesus’ triumphant entry into Jerusalem which leads to Maundy Thursday which commemorates Jesus’ agony and total submission in Gethsemane before He experienced the agony of Good Friday when He took the sins of the past, present, and future and died for them; and finally, the glory and joy of Easter Sunday when He defeated death and rose again. David Guzik said, “Jesus did not die as a martyr. Jesus went to his death knowing that it was his Father’s will that he face death completely alone as the sacrificial, wrath-averting Passover Lamb. As his death was unique, so also his anguish; and our best response to it is hushed worship.”

Some of you might be wondering how one would go about celebrating these sacred events. Do it with thanks, with reverent and joyful praise. Acknowledge the sacrifice of the sacrificial Lamb of God. Eat the bread and drink the wine of God and remember He who took on the sins of the world with love and gratitude in your hearts. Blessed Easter to you all.

Matthew 11- Talking the Talk and Walking the Walk

When I was growing up, my mother was my teacher of Christian ethics. She would quote the same proverb over and over: “If you’re going to talk the talk, you had better walk the walk”. She usually reserved it for the occasions when I wasn’t acting in a Christ-like manner. It goes in fellowship with “practice what you preach” or “talk is cheap” or even “actions speak louder than words”. They all come with the same message: check your hypocrisy. My mother was telling me that if I’m going to wear a cross around my neck, carry a Bible, and proclaim myself as a Christian, I had better act like it.

If we’re going to talk the talk of a Christian, we need to walk with Christ and we better be acting like Him because actions do indeed come in louder and clearer than any WWJD bracelet (or the prayer beads I carry in my pocket) or passive word that flows from our mouths. “How do we do that?”, you may ask. Well, thankfully in Matthew’s gospel, Jesus gave us an unmistakably clear answer.
Verse 28 begins with an invitation: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest (NRSV)”. Chuck Smith called this a “wonderful invitation”.  Jesus is pulling up a chair, so we can sit down with Him and have a chat. He wants to hear from us, He wants us to unload all our baggage, not for our own sake or to pet our bruised and damaged egos, because once we are able to let go of our baggage, we will be open to His assistance.

This baggage can be so many things in our lives. We struggle with all sorts of things. Some of us lie, some of us steal, some of us struggle with sexual sins, many of us struggle with bitterness, and I struggle with doubt and self-loathing on a daily basis. Yes, I’m preaching to myself as well as you. Additionally, Christ wasn’t just talking to the followers of John the Baptist or other Hellenistic people. His messages are still applicable and are the “same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8 NRSV)”. Which means, you, me, and we need to lend an ear to what He’s trying to say to us. He’s trying to tell us that what we struggle with is not so different from what John, His disciples, and countless other people mentioned in the Gospels dealt with in their lives? Don’t believe me? Thumb through the stories and count how many of those people who share something in common with you.
First comes the invitation. Jesus just welcomed us to His table and listened to us pour out our hearts. He might have even nodded in understanding, hummed in sympathy, or placed a hand on our shoulder while we unloaded. Now, as we take a deep breath to steady ourselves, He’s getting ready to give a prescription to help us overcome the things we struggle with.

In Verse 29, He gives us a direct order: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle, and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (NRSV)”. Wait…what? We just went from an offer of rest and repose to a command of action from which we will find rest? This may sound paradoxical, but it really does make sense. If we are going to proclaim Jesus Christ as our King, we must submit ourselves to Him completely. We must submit ourselves to God’s service and learn what His Son will teach us. This isn’t an idle path to walk as much as we might want it to be. C. H. Spurgeon pointed out to his congregation that “Every active Christian will tell you he is never happier than when he has much to do; and, on the whole, if he communes with Jesus, never more at rest than when he has least leisure. Look not for your rest in the mere enjoyments and excitements of religion but find your rest in wearing a yoke which you love, and which, for that reason, is easy to your neck.” The rest Christ is promising us is the release from all that baggage we just unloaded at Jesus’ doorstep.

By submitting ourselves to the yoke of Christ, we are allowing ourselves to be open to His teachings and He just said that He will be a gentle and humble teacher. Spurgeon also said, “The rest before us is rest through learning. Does a friend say, "I do not see how I am ever to get rest in working, and rest in suffering?" My dear brother, you never will except you go to school, and you must go to school to Christ.” This means that we must lay aside all the things that prevent our finding that rest, including our past prejudices, self-pity, and preconceived notions of what our lives should be. Because our ways really are not God’s ways or Christ’s ways. Our timing may be good or bad timing, but God’s timing is always perfect. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather rely on God’s perfection that my own imperfection.

This is the promise that Jesus closes out with, He said in verse 30, “For my yoke is easy and my burden is light (NRSV)”. Coming from the Savior who would later hang on a cross for the sins of the world, this may seem like a rather extraordinary statement for Him to make. However, His burden wasn’t light because He was taking the easy path and living for Himself. No. Jesus’ burden was light because He wanted to please His Father. He lived to please His Father. When we live to please our eternal Father, when we live like the Savior of whom we proclaim, it is an easier burden. We see it time and time again from the Word and in our own lives that when we live to please ourselves, the burden of the carnal desires is much heavier and spoiler alert, it makes us miserable.

We live in a time and place where we are encouraged to please ourselves and mocked or in some parts of the world persecuted when we choose to follow Christ. In our lives, in our current day and age, we are beset by division, dissent, difficulty. In all these the many movements by which we are surrounded, the many efforts we make in our lives, we make in the attempt to rest. Christ comes to us offering us this rest. He promises that he can provide rest from the things that make us heavy laden. On the one hand, if we want the rest, we must actually come to him, we cannot delude ourselves by thinking we can provide our own rest with our own power. We must not believe that our own resources be factors that we see at work currently in the exterior world or our interior world has the power to grant our rest. Only in coming unto Christ and trusting in him, can this rest be gained. He, himself, is our promised rest. And yet, when he offers us his rest, he describes likewise, as a yoke, as a burden, as a learning. We cannot merely speak or think ourselves into this rest. Restful abiding in Christ is the same as walking with Christ. It cannot merely be “talking the talk” and not “walking the walk”

So. Wear the bracelet, by all means. Carry the prayer beads. Wear your “I love Jesus” t-shirts. Post those Bible verses on Facebook and talk about how much you love God. It won’t hurt anyone, and I pray that it brings those you interact with to Christ. All I ask that you remember is this: if you do all those things but you don’t act out the beliefs you claim to hold dear. It will drown out all the messages that you hope to send because it will be accurately interpreted as mere lip service. It will drive people from Christ when they need Him the most. Talk the talk, but if you do, please for the love of God, walk the walk.